I was told to let go of the bitterness and anger I feel inside ; that regardless if the other person makes amen with you it doesn’t mean you'll stop feeling that pain inside when you look at them. it is only your choice to let go or not.
My conversation with my sister opened a perspective I’d never had before. I chose to write this down not to criticize or scrutinize anyone – it isn’t even meant to ask for pity or for others to agree to my side. It is for you Johnny and Quyen to read of my feelings. No I shall not continue to write in this but this entry is solely because I’ve come to realize I have this attitude towards you just as much as you have towards me and we’re all closing our hearts in this situation choosing not to hear but be selfish and think of only ourselves; regardless of what we may say on the inside many decisions – including not hearing one’s side of the story – is selfish.
The day I asked to pray, Wednesday night I choose to stand up and face my demons in my life that were haunting me because I could not take having such harsh feelings towards one. I stood up and that tugging I felt in my heart – I felt as if prayer could truly stop the emotions; it’s a weapon and a conversation to God when we pray. I poured out what I felt that night on the phone towards him- giving my reasons why I felt it was a necessity to pray, about how I felt this was wrong and I could not do that to a fellow brother in Christ – that most of all I could not allow myself to linger where it most hurts, where the devil has the most grip and that’s the sinful past. My pastor earlier that week had spoken of forgiveness and how when you choose to dwell in bitterness, anger, and emotions that leads you to have wrong thoughts- when you chose to allow those emotions to grip you than they are controlling you essentially and those emotions are your masters. He said to pray with the one that has wronged you or you have wronged them. I stood in prayer and the thoughts ran through my head “who has?” and the thought arose that it was him.
For the past days thereafter I felt that tug in my heart, that your pains can disappear if you choose to pray with them. Yes, sincerely I felt as if it was my solution to him. I couldn’t just stand there and despise, because Love is actions and I loved him once and now my love for him was that of a brother in Christ, so any solution in my eyes to stop that hatred towards him I would have jumped too.
Later that week a situation arose where I choose to call him to speak of issues. My manner towards the issue weren’t close to a Christian attitude – yells and screams can best describe it in my eyes. A telephone call of confrontation of everything, although it was not in a right manner or style , essentially I told him how I felt of the situation giving foundations and not just a biased and arrogant thought. I shall admit what I said will always be taken as ‘it was said by an ex-girlfriend, but of course she would feel that way” rather than “shes a sister in christ, my friend who said this”. After many harsh words and several curse words, i thought he had seen my point, this discussion was before 9 and fearing he would loose minutes I asked him to call me later.
I never received those calls because he had called my house and not my cell. And of course my thoughts wandered to “so he didn’t call, maybe he didn’t, am I suppose to call?” but as I had known him for years – my own personal experience told me that this was uncommon of him to call me back so I prayed and felt perhaps there was nothing more to say other than that.
I do believe hours later he decided to call and still we were both hardhearted, in my eyes his words were meant to sting – to give me the feeling of guilt. I chose not to give in to those emotions of guilt but what else he said surely had stung. I could not take the cynical and his hard-headedness after he stated something meant to hurt me so I immediately hung up caring not for him to hear me cry.
But than he messaged me and essentially told me to not care of his actions because it makes him happy, but after some statements and his usage of words that he full-well knew would get with me I in the fury of anger said cruel things also.
As I sat there and I spoke of how I felt in the situation to another he told me that it was wrong to curse that it did absolutely nothing and would of course lead to absolutely nothing. I than apologized to him, and even though he had not apologized to me about his attitude to me, I felt that I did my part at least.
I started telling the other person how I felt about my pastors sermon and I decided this was moment I needed to stop the demons. Why? Because after the confrontation I had received information that I knew would eat me away and cause me even further bitterness towards him, that when my thoughts would linger to what he had told me I would strongly hold on to those masters and not allow God to work in my heart. And even though the other protested believing it would not help me and told me to instead pray with him I decided it best if I faced the one that had wronged me.
As he told me he would “call me later” after I poured out and cried to him of the reason why I needed to pray, I felt out of sorts. I waited for him, choosing not to call anyone to speak of my feeling of – desolation and abandonment. In my eyes i constantly had the question “if he once loved me how could he possibly leave me in distress like this? To leave me to play with games?” but I felt God just quieted me down with the word “patience.” I started loosing hope, and as hours ticked away I sat there and I finally explained my distress to another. Even though hours passed away he had finally called and I prayed and I truly gave my heart and everything into that prayer – with passion and emotions I never knew you could possibly give in a prayer. And at the end of my prayer he desired to say yet again that he would “call me later”.
I thought in my head “that’s…odd” the reaction I thought I would receive was that he’d pray after me but he hadn’t. Afterwards I called the only one I had explained my distress to knowing, only to find out he had begged Quyen earlier to ask him to pray with me. Yes, in my heart than my emotions rose again. The questions to run through my head were those such as “he didn’t choose to pray with me, was it just pity?” and his actions of hanging up right after I had prayed and choosing not to pray afterwards did not settle these rising emotions either. Yes he tried his best to quiet me down stating “it was his choice and he could have chosen not to call to begin with.”
Later he called and prayed but in my heart.. It felt utterly insincere, as if all the words he was speaking was nothing but words only for the hearer to hear not having emotions behind it. Logically in my head I jumped to the thought that “I obviously would think this, because I know him too well.. because this and that.”
The day after the devil was strongly testing me, and in my heart I feel as if I failed. That night he prayed with me – I truly believed that I had the capabilities to move on and not look back ever again. That I could look at him and have a civilized conversation where there would not be tension in the least bit.
After She messaged me and we had spoke and I strongly stood by my decision that I did not agree she should be with him, she spoke of another subject – the confrontation I had given Johnny. At first I will admit I was shocked he would tell her, but than again it hit me of course he would because that was in his nature too. And what she told me thereafter I also knew was his nature to say to her.
I completely agree that the confrontation was said in a manner unright, however, my words I said to him was taken out of context. What he had told her was not complete. He had only given parts of the conversation where I would be perceived as arrogant and biased. I than that following Sunday confronted him of his out of context use of words he shrugged it off and yelled at me for speaking of it at that moment. Truly, in my eyes I am hurt by the fact that he had not apologized for what he had done. His action will most likely lead her to see Christians as arrogant and biased and that deeply effected me because I felt if he wanted to bring her to Christ he would explain to her why it is wrong to date a non-christian instead of just stating it to her saying that is my viewpoint and not giving her the reasons behind it This is speculation at most I suppose because I believe had he told her everything, she as an individual I know that contemplates issues before speaking of it would not have gone out on me as she had done. I could not at all blame her for her treatment towards me but for once I stood up to something I was against. Even though I spoke of how I was against it my actions never reflected it. She ended it in fury, in my eyes, not understanding what I said was something a friend should state. No, I had never meant to say it to hurt her but truly when I spoke to her it was as a friend.
I couldn’t speak of this issue to another so I had a conversation with my sister, where she rotated around the room doing various things listening to what I said. Thereafter, she gave me Godly advice and I took it to heart.
It comes back to this, it is only God’s grace that we are forgiven of our sins. The devil was defeated at the cross when Jesus died for our sins. So why must I allow myself to be unforgiving? And most of all, why do I allow the devil to control me when I should be fighting? I pray constantly and whenever the thought arises I pray even harder that I may look at both of them and understand.
“God has a purpose for what may follow after this”says my sister. | 
